·Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

·A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

·A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

·My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just  kiln time.

·Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

·Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

·I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

·A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

·Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

·I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

·I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave  me the axe.

·If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

·A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

·Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

·A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

·Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

·Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

·Banning the bra was a big flop.

·Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

·Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

·A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

·Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

·A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

·Without geometry, life is pointless.

·When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

·Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

·Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

·When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

When I was in school, we had these math sheets to help us, with, well, you know, math and all.  You had to solve all these problems and learn the answer to these horrible riddles.  More of an incentive, I guess.

 

Did you hear about... the cross eyed college professor who had no control over his pupils?

 

What happened to the boy who went to the dentist with only one dollar?  He got buck teeth.

 

What do you call a wrist watch to be worn in the 23rd century?  A future wrist tick.

 

Why was the mural painter in the news?  He made a scene in public.

 

What do sea monsters eat?  Fish and ships.

 

What do you call drilling 4, 876 holes?  A boring job.

 

Why was professor Clabberhead Utterbunk holding up a piece of bread?  He was proposing a toast.

 

What happened to the glass blower who inhaled?  He got a pane in his stomach.

 

Why didn't Krok like to go sailing with the basball uniform designer?  She always talked about cap sizes.

 

What should you do if noby will sing with you?  Rent a duet yourself kit.

 

What do you get when you cross a theif with a cement truck?  A hardened criminal.

 

What do you get when you cross a supermarket and a jungle?  Check out lions.

 

Did you hear about the very sad bguy who tried to kiss his girlfriend in the fog and mist?

 

What do you call King Kong when he dresses up like a pilot?  Master of de skies.  (It's ok, I didn't get it either.)

 

What do you call a duck that steals?  A robber ducky.

 

Whom should you see at the bank if you need to borrow money?  The loan arranger.

 

Why does a poor man drink coffee?  Because he has no proper tea.