It's quiet... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
No, no I'm afraid I don't.
Well, bees usually
make noise. No noise suggests no bees... to the bee mobile!
You mean the Chevy?
...Yes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Go fuck yourself.
SNL Weekend UpDate:
Tina Fey: And finally, Donald Rumsfeld has now introduced the double podium so
that he can talk about the war without people seeing the giant boner he gets.
·No one told me it would be so hard to be a sheep.
·I'm a little eccentric... and a lot paranoid.
·I like farm animals.
·I like chicken, I like liver, meow mix, meow mix please deliver.
·You're going
down. Downtown. To Chinatown.
·You've got to be a pretty confident guy to wear vinal pants... especially ones that
tight.
·Why'd the fork run away with the spoon?
·If I cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
·You
stupid son of a bitch dumb bastard!
Let's break it down, shall we?
You - Used to refer to an indefinitely specified
person; one: You can't win them all.
Stupid - Dazed, stunned, or stupefied. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job.
Son
- One's male child.
Of - (There were many deffinitions for this one, it was hard to pick out. Sorry, grammar lovers, if
I got it wrong.) Belonging or connected to.
A - Used before a mass noun to indicate a single type or example: a dry wine.
Bitch - A female canine animal, especially a dog. Something very unpleasant or difficult.
Dumb - Lacking the power
of speech. Used of animals and inanimate objects.
Bastard - Something that is of irregular, inferior, or dubious origin.
·Am I not turtle enough for the Turtle Club?
·I'm running under ground with the moles, diggin' holes.
·It's
my MopTop. You can't have him. He's mine. All mine. Mu ha ha ha ha!
·I like to chew hair make tin foil hats, fork
people with my best forkmate, solve government conspiracies, gnaw on skulls, talk about holiday mascotts, save the world and
fold pieces of paper over and over again until you get all these little squares.
·I once quit Tetrinet. It was one
of the happiest days of my life. The next day I had started up again, but I am proof that you can quit. I never would have
done it with all the support I got from you guys. You believed in me... and I believe in you. You too have the power to get
over the addiction. It'll be hard, and it'll be tough, but it is possible. There is help. You needn't suffer alone.
·No,
I'm no hero! I'm a Pokémon Master.
·How do you get Pikachu on the bus? You pokémon!
·What am I like? Well,
my mom says I'm the coolest kid in school.
·Xander will come back, I tell you... he's waiting for me. Testing me...
my loyalty. He'll come back. You'll all see. I'm waiting for my Original Xander crew to come back. LazyBabie, come back! ChAoS,
you always doubted me, but here I am, still waiting. I'm waiting... even the second line of Xander recruits I would welcome.
I don't remember exactly who was there, but it was a strong team, of all females. I know Forkmate, you were there! (Go to
Forum, then go to intro, then to Xander for the full story.)
·So let me check my list of things to do today:
Go
to gym; check
Work out; check
Talk about erectile disfunction with crazy old man in locker room... check
Well...
looks like I've accomplished everything I set out to do today... so... I'll be on my way.
·Mind games and trickery,
damn you! MIND GAMES AND TRICKERY!
"Shake harder, boy! SHAKE HARDER!"
·Milk Bones taste like stale Wheat Thins.
·There are two sausages in a pan. The first one turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting hot in here." The
second one screams, "OH MY GOODNESS! IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
·Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so
funny.
·If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let them go, because man, they're gone.
·The
dentist once gave me a magnet that looked like a piece of cheese and it had a bite taken out of it. And on this magnet, it
said, 'Cheese takes a bite out of cavities'. Get it? Get it? There's a cheese with a bite out of it and cheese takes a bite
out of cavities. That's almost as good as Ralph's, "It says, 'I choo choo choose you... and there's a picture of a train on
it.'"
Almost.
·Remember kids, there is no such thing as too much sugar.
·If you've never had coffee before,
don't start with 2 cups.
·You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... but you can't wipe your friends
under the couch.
·When leaning over a candle, watch out for your hair... it has a tendancy to burn.
·Before
you make fun of someone, try walking a mile in their shoes... that way you're a mile away and have their shoes.
·If
you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch
you because hey, free dummy.
·We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing
that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.
·Look at my duck, Dj Quack Quack. He's so cute.
Look at his bum.
·He says I'm as coordinated as a blind chicken, yeah, well I showed him.
·If you define cowardice
as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess
I'm a coward.
·Chocolate bar! Chocolate bar! What is it made out of? That's right, CHOCOLATE. Thus, the logical name,
CHOCOLATE BAR! A candybar would be like a whole bunch of skittles in bar form.
·The only difference between me and
a superhero is that I get sent home from work for wearing tites, that's just unfair.
·Be kind to all you meet... you
never know who's a ninja.
·I remember when my great Uncle Jerry used to sit on the porch and whittle away wood. Once,
he whittled me a boat out of a nice, red boat that I gave him. The new boat was almost as nice except it was bumpy and had
no red paint left.
·To me, boxing is like ballet except that there's no music or choreography, and the dancers hit
each other.
·I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary
bumper sticker that said, "I Helped Skin Bob."
·I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it science?
·Too bad you
can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed
at all the stuff that comes flying out.
·I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in her hand, pretending like she's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
·If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
·To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I guess it goes back to the time we went to the circus
and a clown killed my Dad.
·If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you
might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand,
we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out
of control.
·If I told you about two people, one named Flippy and one named Hambone, who would you think likes dolphins
more? You probably said Flippy but your wrong because its Hambone.
·I think that the reason Cops won't let you snoop
through plane wreakages is because someone might lay down and say, "What the hell was that!"
·Laughter is the best
medicine, unless your diabetic, then incilin is the best medicine.
·At big family dinners I like to pile up the potatoes
and when people ask me where the meat is, I pull out the meat from under the potatoes and say, "You mean this?"
·I
got fired from my job at the pet store for braiding three snakes together and dipping bunnies into chocolate for action poses.
What has this world come to?
·It would be really satisfying to see someone sink into quicksand. Then, when all the
on-lookers are panicking, the guy would come shooting out of the quicksand on waterskiis.
·Why are they called hotpants
when clearly, they are shorts. I don't get it?
·I've found that you can't make someone love you, however you can stalk
them untill they give in. (That one's for you, MopTop.)
·I once knew two people who didn't fall in love. They both
died horribly the next day. Makes you think.
Normally I wouldn't put forwards up... but this was just too great.
You Know You Were Born In The 80's When...
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE."
2. You watched the Care Bears.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You wated to be/were a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a
club of your own.
6. You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You said " like" in every sentence
8. if u know about M.C. Hammer
9. If you were excited when 'Power Rangers' first aired.
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to 'Duck Tales.'
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You watched 'Street Sharks'.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your Mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on
the side.
17. You played the game 'M.A.S.H'
18. You wore a worn ripped Jean jacket and you were proud of it.
19. Rad was in your vocabulary.
20. You wanted to change your name in Kindergarten to something like 'Courteny'.
21. You remember reading 'Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before...
26. You have ever pondered if you choke a smurf what colour it would turn.
27. You took Lunch Pails to school.
28. You remember the CRAZE of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor T-shirts.
31. Barbie was your favorite toy.
32. You thought Transformers should stop fighting.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship
bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes.
35. You always said "I know what you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
41. You've gone through this list occasionally saying "Totally!"
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don`t worry, be happy!"
44. You wore tights to school.
45. You wore socks scrunched down.
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
47. You remember boom boxes Vs. CD players.
48. You remember watching both 'Gremlins' movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales"
51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
52. You remember Alf.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell,"
the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Spice Girls' "Stop".
56. You Loved Mr. Dress up.
While being the creep that I am, I was going through everyone's profile and I came apon this little essay.
And it's so, so true. I can't believe it. But trust me, it goes both ways. It's not always the nice guy's
coming out last. It's the nice girls too. Who have to put up with that kind of stuff. Of guys seeing them
as one of the boys, or only wanting them as a friend, or saying right to them, "You know, what I really need is a girl who
is like my best friend, someone who I feel so comfortable talking to and I get along with so well.", and so much more.
This is for us too. Right. Thanks for coming out.
