SNL
Trebek: This is the sound a doggie makes.
Connery: Moo.
Trebek: That is incorrect.
Connery: Well that's the sound your mother made last night!
Trebek:
Aw, come on now, that was totally unncessary! We would have accpeted "bow wow" or "ruff".
Connery: "Rough", eh?
Just the way your mother likes it!
Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
Trebek:
What?
Connery: One's a sick duck and I forget the rest but your mother's a whore.
Trebek: Welcome
back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I apologise for what happened before the commercial and I'd like to assure the audiance that all
contestants are now wearing pants.
Connery: We meet again, Trebek. I noticed that you couldn't sit down during
the break. What's wrong sweetie? Did you have a date last night?
Connery: Knock knock.
Trebek: Who's
there?
Connery: Me. The guy who slept with your mother last night.
Trebek: Martha Stuart looks pretty
confident. Let's take a look at what she wrote... absolutly nothing.
Martha: Alex, I'm filthy rich. I don't need
chump change.
Trebek: You're playing for charity!
Martha: --Screw 'em!
Trebek: Please seek
some counselling.
Mad TV
Rusty: Hell is a bakery, you son of a biscuit!
Girl:
But I'm playing with God And Jesus!
Father: Yeah, well, if you don't shut up you're all going to be grounded!
Girl:
Even God and Jesus?
Father: ESPECIALLY God and Jesus!
Simpsons
Lisa:
I feel like I'm going to die, Bart.
Bart: We're all going to die.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart:
So did I...
Ned Flanders: Now, everytime someone gets wood, they'll think trojan!
Disco Stu:
Back away; not today, disco lady.
Homer: I took some pills I found on the floor and now I'm afraid that if
I stop talking I'll die.
Homer: Hey there, blimpy boy... flying through the air so fancy free.
Lynol
Hutz: By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Look, he's taking another puff! Better cut down there,
Smokey.
Lynol Hutz: Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Snider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lynol: Well,
I kind of ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lynol: Well... replace 'kind of' with 'repeatedly' and 'dog',
with 'son'...
Dirty Work
Norm's Hallucination
Adam Sandler Being Satan: "We
eat the pig... and then we burn! Burn! Burn!"
Garry Colmen: "Whatchu talkin' about, Satan?"
Adam Sandler:
"Come with me, and then we burn! Burn! Burn!"
Norm: Note to self: Making love to blow up doll; not as good
as advertised.
Bad Guy (I Forget His Name): All proceeds go to the homeless. And you know what I think about
the homeless. They're people and they have no homes.
Homeless Guy Number 1: Remember when you jumped on that
security guy's back and shouted in his ear, 'The CIA put a chip in my head!' I was laughing so hard I almost shit my pants.
Homeless Guy Number 2: Almost?!
Bearded Broad: Hey, have you ever been with a chick with a beard
before?"
Norm: No, I can't say that I have.
Bearded Broad: Then brother, you haven't lived.
Norm:
Note to self: I don't want to live.
Norm: Note to self, remember to get wart cream for giant wart on my ass.
Norm: I have never seen so many dead prostitutes in the back of trunks in my life.
Random Guy: God
knows I have...
Car Sales Man: No! No! These are good vehicles. Luxury cars! Fully loaded!
Norm: Yeah,
with dead hookers.
Bartender To Guy At Jukebox: Looks like there's going to be a brawl tonight. Playing anything
good?
Guy: Damn straight. Rolling Stones - Street Fighting Man! GGGGGGGGGGG SEVEN!
Bartender: You just
pressed G eight...
Music: *IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS...*
Norm: Yeah, he's my brother.
Kathy:
You guys are brothers?
Norm: Yeah, it's a long story.
Sam: My dad boned his mom.
Norm: Ok,
it's a short story.
Happy Gilmore:
Revised by Mikey My Chew Buddy Dyne
Shooter: Stay
out of my way... or you'll pay. Listen to what I say!
Happy: Then how about we go eat some hay... we can make things
out of clay... lay down by the bay... whattaya say??
Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Happy to Bob Barker: The price is WRONG, bitch!
Bowling
For Columbine
Marilyn Manson (about people accusing him for being the cause of the Columbine shooting...
this is what he had to say): Who do you think has more influence on America? Marilyn Manson or the President of the United
States? As much as I'd like to say me, I think I'm going to go with the president on this one.
Some Guy: I
agree that the pen is mightier than the sword, but you must always have the sword in case the pen might fail.
Michael
Moore: But why must you have guns to solve you problems? Look at Ghandi. He never used violence. He defeated
the british without any guns or anything.
Some Guy: I, uh... I'm not familiar with that situation.
Michael
Moore: I'd like to open up an a bank account.
Teller: Ok, and what kind of account would you like?
Michael
Moore: The one where I can get the free gun.
Michael Moore after he's received his gun: Don't you think it's
kind of dangerous to be giving guns away at a bank?
Car Comercial
Girl 1: I've been thinking...
have you ever seen an overweight squirrel?
Girl 2: No, I don't think that I have.
Girl 1: Yeah... me either.
But, I mean, you'd think that you would every once in a while; nuts are so fatty.
Girl 2: Yeah, but they do a lot
of cardio.
